East Texas, USA – As temperatures soared near 80 degrees yesterday, many East Texans took to the local streets and parks where they enjoyed fun and sun. However, some were not as lucky. Authorities were summoned to a popular city park where they found dozens of residents clutching their faces and screaming, “My eyes! My eyes!”
When the situation calmed, police told reporters that dozens of unsuspecting residents had been rendered snow-blind by the ultra-white legs of a shorts-wearing woman riding a three-wheeled contraption called a “Trikke”. One bystander said, “It was as though her legs were lit from within by the very sun itself!” Another commented that he thought the comet PANSTARRS had plummeted to earth and set the park ablaze.
The woman riding the Trikke was identified as Elise Bennett, a long-time carving enthusiast. She was later apprehended and charged with public endangerment by a circuit judge who demanded that the court bailiff surrender his own trousers and attend to court duties in his tighty-whities so that Bennett’s legs could be thoroughly covered, thus preventing standers-by from suffering a similar fate as the unfortunate park-goers.
The court staff and gallery were dumbstruck when, in an odd turn of events, Bennett was released without charges and remanded to the custody of a local tanning salon. It seems that after asking to see the vehicle Bennett was riding, the judge was so enthralled with it that he confiscated it, ordered the scantily-clad bailiff to hear the day’s remaining cases, and left the building in a rush – the Trikke under his arm. The judge was later spotted carving the downtown sidewalks with wild abandon and grinning from ear to ear as his robes flew behind him like a kite tail. Witnesses claim to have heard him declare repeatedly, “Woo-hoo!” and, “I have got get me one of these things!”
Bennett is rumored to be in intense behind-the-scenes negotiations with the judge for return of her Trikke.